Effective Strategies for Handling Routine Resistance in Preteens (Ages 9-12)

As kids grow into the 9-12 age range, their desire for independence blossoms. While they still need structure and guidance, they may begin to push back against routines that once worked smoothly. If your preteen is suddenly resistant to following their routine, you’re not alone! Here are some effective strategies to navigate this phase and turn routine struggles into opportunities for growth.

1. Acknowledge Their Growing Independence

At this age, children want to feel more in control of their lives. When they resist routines, it’s often a sign that they are seeking autonomy. Instead of pushing back with authority, try acknowledging, validating and normalizing their need for independence. For example, you might say,

• "I see you're starting to want more freedom with your time, and that’s great! Let’s figure out how we can balance that with your responsibilities."

  
  

• "I understand you want more freedom in completing your daily routines and responsibilities, and that’s great! Let’s figure out how we can compromise on what that looks like."

  
  

This lets them know you respect their growing independence while reminding them that routines still matter.

2. Collaborate on Setting the Routine

Rather than imposing a routine, involve your child in creating one. This gives them a sense of ownership and increases the likelihood that they’ll stick to it. Here’s how you can do this.

• Ask for their input: “What do you think is a good time to finish your homework? How can we fit in some downtime after school?”

  
  

• Offer choices: “Do you want to shower before or after dinner?”

  
  

By allowing them to have a say, you’re fostering a sense of responsibility and respect for the routine they helped create. Children are more likely to stay engaged in a routine when they feel they’ve had a say in what they will be doing. Giving them a sense of ownership over their schedule fosters independence and responsibility, making them more invested in following through.

3. Explain the ‘Why’ Behind the Routine

Take the time to explain why routines are important and how they benefit them. For example:

• “Getting to bed by 9 p.m. will help you have more energy for school and soccer tomorrow.”

  
  

• “Doing homework right after school frees up more time for fun activities later.”

  
  

• "Laying out your clothes the night before school will make your morning easier and smoother. You may even be able to wake up a couple minutes earlier."

  
  

When they understand the rationale, they are more likely to follow through. You can also highlight how helpful routines are in their success at school. By sticking to a consistent routine at home, they can build habits that make it easier to follow schedules, stay organized, and manage their time effectively in the classroom. This connection helps them see the value of routines beyond home life, showing how it benefits them in their academic performance and daily school experiences.

4. Use Positive Reinforcement

Instead of focusing on what they’re not doing, try highlighting what they are doing right. Positive reinforcement can be a powerful motivator for preteens. Be specific in your praise to reinforce positive behavior. By giving specific, timely praise, you encourage consistency and help them feel accomplished at each step of the process. Acknowledge their efforts at different stages: when they begin the routine, as they move through it, and once they complete it. For example:

• At the start: “Great job starting your homework right after school today!”

  
  

• During: “I see you’re staying focused on your chores because you aren't getting distracted by your phone—keep it up!”

  
  

• Completion: “You finished everything on your routine list! That’s awesome—now you can enjoy some free time.”

  
  

This consistent praise reinforces the behavior you want to see, without creating a power struggle.

5. Allow Flexibility and Problem Solve Together

Sometimes, resistance stems from feeling trapped by a rigid schedule. When this happens, take time to meet with your child and discuss what is and isn’t working in their routine. This open conversation allows both of you to identify areas that may need adjustment. When resistance occurs, it can be helpful to problem-solve with your child rather than enforce discipline. If they consistently avoid doing their homework, ask:

• “What’s making it hard to get started with your homework?”

  
  

• “Is there something about your routine that’s not working for you?”

This kind of conversation opens the door to understanding their struggles and working together to find solutions that meet both their needs and your expectations. You can always modify or add elements to help your child be more successful. Demonstrating flexibility shows them that routines aren’t about control, but rather about creating a healthy balance that works for everyone. This approach encourages them to see routines as a tool for support, not restriction. You can say,

"I noticed recently you haven’t been as eager to follow your routine, and that’s okay—it happens sometimes. Routines are really important, especially during the school week when you have so many activities and homework to manage. Let’s sit down and look at your routine together to see what might need adjusting. We can figure out how to make it work better for you."

6. Model Routine in Your Own Life

Children are keen observers. If they see you following routines with intention and purpose, they’re more likely to follow suit. It also normalizes the use of routines, helping your child understand that routines are a common part of managing a busy life, not just a set of rules for kids. By involving them in the process and discussing it openly, you show that even adults need routines to balance responsibilities, making it a more relatable and accepted part of daily life. You can say,

• “I’m going to get my workout in before dinner, so I can relax with you guys afterward.”

  
  

• “I’ve got my own checklist for the day, and it helps me stay on track too.”

By showing them that routines are part of adult life, you demonstrate that these habits aren’t just rules for kids—they’re life skills.

7. Be Consistent

Even though flexibility is important, there still needs to be a foundation of consistency. If routines change too often, or if consequences for not following through aren’t clear, it can send mixed messages. Stick to key routines (like bedtime, homework, and chores), while allowing flexibility in less critical areas (like screen time or free play).

8. Use Natural Consequences

Sometimes, letting them experience the natural consequences of not following a routine can be the best teacher. If they go to bed late and are tired the next day, use it as a learning opportunity,

"How did staying up late affect your day? Do you think going to bed earlier would help you feel better tomorrow?"

This approach encourages them to take ownership of their decisions and understand the impact of their actions.

10. Stay Calm and Avoid Power Struggles

When children resist routines, it’s easy to get frustrated. However, engaging in a power struggle often makes things worse. If you stay calm, you model the kind of self-regulation you want them to learn. When they test boundaries, remember to remain patient and use the strategies above to guide them back to the routine.

Navigating routine resistance in 9-12 year olds can be a challenge, but it’s also an opportunity to teach them valuable life skills, like responsibility, time management, and flexibility. By approaching the situation with empathy, collaboration, and consistency, you help them build a healthy relationship with routines that will serve them well into adulthood. Let this phase be a learning journey for both of you—one where they gain independence and you grow as a supportive guide.